I felt sick to my stomach and the blood ran out of my body. She was the only one I wanted to speak to in this moment, but she wasn’t here anymore. That’s what they said. I wanted to tell her about someone who died, but I couldn’t comprehend that that someone was my love.
Nononononono! this is a dream no a nightmare haha a bad joke I must wake up yes yes
I hit myself.
No rêverie no nightmare. But I’m still here and the pain is flooding my body like venom. Why. Why. I throw up. Maybe I have misunderstood.
David’s voice was still piercing my ears and heart : suicide, man.
I laid on the cold marble starring at the ceiling. How can a person process this kind of information? I should ran out of the door up there but my reactions were delayed by my lost of cognition. Numbness. Like when you’re in a dream and something chases you and cannot run faster by any means and everything seems in slow motion.
I’ve finally found an energy residue and pulled myself on my feet after who knows how long, put a shirt on and rushed out of the door. I didn’t grab my car keys or jacket .
I wanted to run. To exhaust this flesh that was bleeding despair.
It must’ve taken me one hour to get at her apartment. My legs were so shaky when I reached her block that I’ve collapsed in front of the entrance. I didn’t feel any pain, the adrenaline took care of it. I didn’t even see the police and ambulance outside.
Someone exited the building and I got in.
First floor, apartment 5. Lots of strangers outside taking notes and speaking to each other .
Get out get out get out, I wanted to yell
How can we be so alive next to a breathless corpse? It’s like we’re defying it. It’s so peculiar.
There she was on the bed, her tiny body covered with a sheet. People stopped talking and David came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder muttering I think ‘sorry’, but I was deaf . Everything seemed like a horror movie that I wanted so bad to end. Void all around me, emptiness and the sound of death.
There I was next to the light of my life that went out and I have pulled that thing off her face. She was so beautiful that I was afraid of waking her up. But there was no life in that chest . Porcelain face with long dark lashes. Her under-eyes looked like purple twilights over the dark forests. I could still see her white teeth peaking between the pale lips. I knew them so well, every curve, every line, every shade.
I didn’t even noticed that I was mourning in despair . Her shoulder was wet by my tears. Strays of her hazel hair touched her cheek. The were no roses anymore in them.
She was wearing her silk black robe. I wanted to sit there next to my love and sleep the pain away. Forever.
She was so cold, so cold that my heart convulsed. I kneed in front of the bed and grabbed her hand, slipping my fingers through hers. Her nails were painted bright red resembling blood droplets contrasting with the pale skin. The irony.
Why why why I kept screaming and punching the wall next to me until David pulled me back and hugged me.
I know, I know. Come here, let’s talk, he whispered.
To be continued… 💗